I really have a lot of stuff I could say. I've had some health stuff going on with my head- at least we think that's what it is. Waiting for MRI report today. That procedure was kind of a process that I really felt lead to and through, as I couldn't do a regular one. I last 30 seconds, if even, in the tube. But a few nights searching the internet turned out something here and there that eventually lead to an open MRI that I could get through, even though I still took the little pill they gave me to relax, just in case, which wouldn't have knocked me out to sit through a regular one, so it's good that it was the open on in Twin Falls instead. I will gladly recommend Pinnacle Imaging in Twin Falls Idaho to anyone who is looking. We weren't sure they were on our PPO provider list, but they were and it was more proof I was being helped find the right place that would work for me. I could go on about bird song and some other stuff, but won't for now. Maybe some day.
Anyway, I just feel like writing and I feel like wanting to go lay back down too, so this is keeping me awake. I have to take some steroids which are supposed to mess up my sleep cycle if I take them at night, so maybe those will kick in because it's day. I just took them, but I also just took the pain meds they gave me. Ibuprofin stopped working for me. I was going on 2 weeks, but Friday I went to the ER just to make sure my head was not being taken over by invaders or something because it was hurting pretty good. They gave me a headache cocktail that worked (but then made me anxious- good thing I brought a book and then my husband showed up after work so I could handle sitting in the room waiting. I hate the anxious feeling I get after meds at a hospital. I can't do it very well. That and the idea of pain are more scary to me than thinking about a potential surgery. Well... I was starting to worry they'd see a big tumor or something so that was getting me super scared. I started praying "Heavenly Father, I can't do it. Please help me get through this. I don't want surgery. I was thinking it wouldn't be bad at first, as long as the problem could go away, but now I don't want to anymore. I'll have to sit and be anxious and be in pain and I just don't think I could take it. Please make this go away".
I brought the MRI disk with me to the ER that I had got the day before, since we were from out of town and they didn't know whom we would need to give them to. But no report, just the pics. That day I was getting 4 hours still out of the ibuprofin and I could mostly push myself to 6 to take more. But I woke up Friday and 2 hours of almost pain management was all I was getting. No full relief. It is mostly in my upper jaw and temple area. I've had some numbness at times and really it's been going on for awhile. I thought it was sinus and chiropractic issues, and sometimes it was related to my mental health status- too much anxiety and I felt pressure, if I took medication for it, which I had to recently because it was out of the blue worse than it's been in awhile, then after over a week or two I was feeling pressure of a different kind but in the same area, so I had to get off. I tapered off and felt a lot better after I got off. I really do okay in general, in my little world, off of medication. I don't think medication makes me a more productive person, it just helps me here and there to feel like I'm in control more. But after a bit, I feel more anxious in a different way when I'm on them. I even missed church one day because I couldn't face trying to get my 6 year old up and ready when we already did churchy stuff the day before by going to a baptism. We had expended our usual Sunday getting ready allotment I guess and neither of us had more for the next day. Even off antidepressants that doesn't usually happen. I mean, I have days it's hard to want to get up and ready, but I usually get there. That day I just stayed in bed. As soon as I made the decision to just have my bigger kids go without me and Emrie, I felt the pressure ease and I was a lot better after that. Anyway, after that I thought maybe I better ease off because I recognized the pressure again. And that got me thinking that this pressure thing, first of all, is so weird and I can't put my finger on why it happens. I noticed it was worse before I got on blood pressure medicine, but that's been 9 months now and I am doing a lot better that way. But still the other pressure. I got some allergies and the pain started with the pressure. I even took allergy pills and was still getting this pain in my jaws. I asked my dentist, because we just did some work about the same time and she said with numbness in my temple, it sounded more like something was pressing somewhere that shouldn't. I agreed. I just haven't ever been able to go in and say, "Hey, can you check out my head- I think something is pressing in there." I mean, I've eluded to the idea of my worry. I've been to and ENT and he looked up my nose with a light and gave me nose drops for dryness (because I do have a deviated septum so another factor to the list of what might be going on) but he was not thorough enough to calm my worry. I've been to regular doc about it and he recommended me to ENT, and looked up my nose... But finally (not sure that's the right choice of words, because it hasn't been pleasant) this numbness and pressure was being consistent. Not just coming and going. The pain in my jaws was really bad and I was trying to find pressure points on my skull to help elleviate some pain. One day that was helpful. I got it to relax a bit, but after that it was just staying. I'd feel okay while the pain stuff was working, but then hurt really bad again after it wore off. And I started to get pretty worried. I also noticed that lately with the mental and the pain and pressure and the fact that I felt like my already poorer hearing in my left ear- because of a bad ear infection 16 years ago- was getting worse. The past year I think it's even gotten worse. It's very frustrating to hear distinct sounds and you know they are words, but you cannot make out what is being said.
So I decided, because of the numbness more than anything, to look up facial numbness. I found some interesting information and that lead me to get up the guts to finally go back to the doctor and ask for further investigation. Because even though I never wanted to find out I had a tumor or cancer or something, I didn't want to keep hurting and the numbness was sticking around more than usual. Although , it wasn't there much when I actually went to the doctor. By that time I had been taking some allergy medicine and I think that part was more sinus related, but I wasn't super stuffy or anything, but was feeling sinus like pressure, but also the jaw pressure and pain, which I knew was not dental- not that we can tell anyway. And the pain has stuck around for over 2 weeks. The ER visit really helped, all of the next day I felt great (and full of caffeine from all the meds from the ER) But the pain started coming back before bedtime on Sat. night and I've been taking the script they gave me for pain. It's effective, but like I said, I am really desiring a nap right now... and I even totally slept in. I am not having to take it every 4 hours but here and there. I'm very grateful for it because I'd taken all the pain I could really- I am a big wimp with pain. But I am hoping to find out what is going on. I think Pinnacle is supposed to send a report to my regular doc today and I hope to hear something. ER doc said nothing big and scary- not sure I mentioned that? He could read enough to see no tumor or brain swelling. I asked him if he could see something like an acoustic neuroma, but he said that's more subtle and he can't tell that; we'll have to wait for the report. So we at least had some relief over the weekend- of pain (whew!) and mentally. I think my husband was more relieved than I was, but I was relieved too. Because the pain not going away was making me worry something was pressing someplace really bad, or getting worse and what if something bad happened? So that was comforting for the weekend.
Weekends are the worse because you know you will not hear from your doctor. And there was a slight chance Friday afternoon the report would have been done by 5 but my doc closes at 4, so there was no way.. and I was hurting all I could by that time. I had been trying to be patient that Friday, but after I found that out I got worried my head needed to be cracked open to remove some growth that would kill me by Monday. Glad that wasn't the case.
So today I wait. Still no word. It could be the neuroma thing, it could be a facial nerve thing, it could be a blood pressure thing that I need a spinal tap to find out if there are no answers found on the MRI. But something is for sure going on. If I don't have any reason, I told my husband I want my head or feet mapped. I know you can map feet- heads, I am not as sure. But I'd go the holistic approach if there are not conventional medical reasons. This has been an off and on thing for years really and I just want some answers. And now it's really affecting me physically. Maybe it's because I'm so anti- antidepressant? Maybe my head is used to a certain level of chemical imbalance and it needs to be leveled, but trying to level it, or leveling it with the wrong dose is making me even weirder feeling? That will be harder to pin point I think than something they can see on an MRI though. Hmm, that actually makes me a little emotional to think about. I feel like a normal (sure I'm weird, but overall normal) person, but I do have some limitations and triggers. But I think a lot and deeply and have thoughtful conversations with my kids and journal and analyze and try to be prayerful and find my talents and not beat myself up for the stuff I don't do well at the moment. I believe in Times and Seasons and feel like my trials are also blessings in other ways and have taught me a lot. So what if they say, "It's all in your head- we see nothing wrong?" Then what does that mean?
I jokingly thought that maybe if there was a growth I could be like John Travolta in Phenom and start moving stuff with my mind, but I'd still choose Mrs. Weasley's wand skills over that really, but it was fun to think about.
It's scary to think about having stuff removed from your brain. One of my sister in laws just had that done actually- thankfully she's doing well and I am sure it's a comfort to me to know that. Her issue was different, but it was helpful to know she is recovering, and if I had to have surgery like hers, then at least my septum would be fixed... but mine is very one side of my head, so I think I'm still going to have to have my nose broke to fix it if I ever decide to go through with it. I just don't like hospitals. I know they are good and necessary, but like I said, waiting for pain or waiting for surgery, or waiting for pain medication after surgery (last year it was gall bladder removal and I got an inflamed pancreas that KILLED me when I moved so I am sure that's still fresh in my head- because you can tell someone you hurt, and you worry that they think you are a drug addict because they don't understand why you should be hurting so much----- well I am am about 60 -100 lbs heavier than the nurses so that might have something to do with some of it. I'm a bigger beast here. But you can't explain why but you don't want to even get up and go pee because it's going to hurt like the devil the second you move, and even if you don't... thankfully blood tests can reveal there is a cause and you are not an addict and please give her more morphin if she needs because she really is in pain and we'll give her something to make the inflammation go down too.)
See, but all the scary stuff stays in my subconscious- even the smell of the hospital sets it off, and sounds I think. I've had 5 babies- one natural, and 4 with epidurals and 2 of those epidural experiences were kind of worse than remembering about my first natural birth (not by choice, but because in Italy you really have to need it.) Thankfully that one was only an hour labor and delivery. More proof that Heavenly Father knows I don't do pain very well. Just thinking about it makes my arms weak. I mean, you do forget the bad stuff, but subconsciously, i think all of the anxiety about pain and anxiety itself is stored up. The anxiety of anxiety. It's true. It's what I dread sitting through more than knowing I'd have to be cut open because I take for granted that I'd at least be out for the cutting open part. I wasn't freaking out about the gall bladder removal until I woke up in pain from that asking "Why am I in so much pain?" because my daughter had hers out just before and she didn't wake up like that. I had an extra duct that was leaking bile so they had to send me over for a stent, which lead to I think 4 days total in hospital... not just the in and out surgery we'd just go my daughter through. Apparently I was awake post surgery (the first part) and trying to climb off the bed before I even came too fully enough to realize people were saying my name and asking me to lay back down and I was going to be going over to the hospital because of the bile thing (the surgeon was good and caught it, so another thankful thing, even if it was not what I expected). I asked for my husband and he helped keep me calm- again- he is very helpful in that regard and was by my side at the open MRI too, which really helped at the beginning and at the end when I could feel the relaxing meds wearing off. Maybe it's not my size, but my mental fight to flee pain, or potential pain? I don't know? But I think he and I might want to open an Open MRI in Idaho Falls now. Not that we know anything about it, but my goodness- why would anyone want to be stuck in a tube when there are other options? Why is that not just standard now? No one take our idea- it might be our only chance to make a few bucks.
Anyway- it's almost 2PM. I'm still waiting to hear if something subtle is going on in my head, or if it's all in my mind and I'm really more crazy than I thought. Why is that so discomforting to find out nothing is wrong. I guess the option of being legit crazy is the part that bothers me. If I do have a neuroma, I might have the Incredible Hulk to thank for it. Here's a link because this was comforting to me to find one night in my search too. And the info I've read helped calm my worried about just being a nutter. I'll leave 3 links- even if NONE of them have anything to do with what is going on with me. But one of them mentions how it moves into the jaw, but it's called something else then. So if it's either of those, or some facial nerve thing that I haven't read about but have been told about, I almost be grateful to have an answer actually.
So here's the links and maybe I'll throw in a few pics of our adventure POST MRI too, but I might be too tired for that. I'll add them later if I don't today. HOVER over the word list below for links- I don't have a link color set anymore I guess:
Mark Ruffalo Interview
And this one for the Mayo Clinic just because I like the name -Mayoclinic. It makes me want a sandwich with a side of a pickle or regular chips- or both.
We went to Shoshone Falls after we were done and before we headed out of town. We probably spent 2 hours here taking pictures and looking for Rockchucks (dang it- now I'll HAVE to add another picture) and the girls hiked little places. It was $3 well spent for entry. Beautiful really and nice for the weary travelers (the 2 little girls) to run around before the drive home. Car rides are long, even when they aren't that long. Know what I mean? :)
SHOSHONE FALLS, Twin Falls, ID.
So Ivy was taking our picture and I saw some Pelicans and there I am pointing them out. I like birds better than trying to look decent for a picture.
Libby has a bit of a fear of heights. She wanted to see the falls, but this railing was a bit too visually open for her :) But she still had fun! (oh and side note- Libby likes medical stuff. So the other day when she found out about the MRI she asked if I was going to have some "occ..... lobe" scanned while I was there. She'd watched it on Ruff Ruffman. She could remember the name, but I can't. I told her though that they'd probably take pictures of all of my head inside because we don't know what's going on. But she told me a lot about MRI's this past week and I could tell you that the lobe she mentioned is at the back part of my head- she thinks- sounds right to me.)
Ivy stayed home to help with the girls that day (because the little girls homeschool) to be with the girls while Randal was with me. I really appreciated that when I was in there having the MRI. I took this picture upside down on purpose- thought it might be fun. This is the best I could get of their faces. It's hard to take pictures upside down and backwards.
After Cuddles (Libby named him/her) spent time just looking at me take her picture and roaming around on the rocks below me nibbling the vegetation, she decided to curl up and take a nap for a minute. I was even quietly waving me kids toward me so they could see how close she was. She didn't seem too bothered. We got several pictures of several, but she's my favorite. One of them, probably a male, was pretty fearless before we left. As Emrie tried to inch closer he wouldn't move until I mentioned "don't try and pet it- it's got strong teeth" So she jolted and ran off and that spooked him off under the fence too. But until then he just watched her inch closer and repositioned his body. He was hanging out with the ladies I think, so maybe he was protecting them? Another one Lib named was called "Chuck" and the one Emrie got close to she named "Sam". Cuddles was the cutest with all the white. Oh... sorry, the other one that ran first, before she got closer to Sam and Cuddles she decided just now to call "Fast Runner" because he/she was a little more spooky- probably younger? Just guessing.
Here's Cuddles curling up for a nap for a min. She knew I wasn't jumping the wall/ fence. And yeah, I think that's rockchuck poop you can see in the picture above. It was kind of all over. For the record- Rockchucks are like Groundhogs, and all are marmots. Not sure they are the same kind of marmots and they live and are called different things depending on where you live. I might be wrong, but I think this kind of marmot is a Yellow Bellied Marmot. I looked a bunch of stuff up over the past couple of years and that's what I remember reading. I don't want to check sources at the moment, but you can look it up, or if you know the real answer then feel free to leave a comment.
Okay, well, I'll update if I find anything else out. All for now- JM
UPDATE: 6 PM- haven't heard from anyone. Maybe tomorrow.